There was a room parent meeting for me this morning. I always have to fight back anxiety and force myself to go. It has, at times, made me physically ill. I often worry that they will tell me I am not allowed to be a room parent anymore since I have been so far unable to successfully appeal the dividend office's decision to refuse my volunteer application (because of one arrest from 12 years ago that has NOTHING to do with children, but I digress....).
At the second room parent meeting for the year, the room parents turned me away, since I wasn't on the approved dividend list (this was NOT their fault, they are just following the rules and checking off names on a list, it isn't THEIR fault I was not selected as an "approved" parent), and my name happened to have a ------- line through where I was supposed to sign in.
I was hurt and confused, because at the end of the first meeting I had met with the principal and explained that my application had been denied and that I was attempting to appeal that decision. She gave me permission to perform all the functions of being a room parent that did not require direct interaction with children. I remember leaving the meeting when I was turned away, tears streaming down my face as I made my way to the parking lot and found my van. I am glad I took those few extra minutes to compose myself before driving, since I managed to strengthen my resolve and go back in to the receptionist (which was by far one of the hardest things I have done, and I have walked in to a courtroom knowing I wasn't coming back out the front door, and that I wouldn't see freedom for 1-3 years, and this was harder). The receptionist found the principal, who then escorted me quietly and discreetly to the meeting.
I remember how totally normal that meeting ended up being, and how glad I was that I had squashed down my tears and my urge to run away, and gone back to the meeting. I am also eternally grateful for how kind and understanding every parent that I have eventually told about my situation has been. Clearly, I had to explain to the moms running the room parent meeting what had happened. They have been exceptional at making me feel like a regular part of the group.
Every meeting since then, there has been a ----------- line next to my daughter's teacher's name, through the spot where I would need to sign in to the meeting. I've never been turned away again, but as far as the paperwork is concerned, I was never there.....and I know that is hardly a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, but it often feels as if someone in that school is going to great lengths to make sure that "unapproved" parents don't feel too welcome. One of the moms this morning told me that she was afraid I had quit when she saw the line where my name went. I didn't bother telling her how many times I had almost done just that.
I also heard that they are talking about just completely getting rid of parents having lunch with students at all next year. I now feel a need to apologize to my fellow room moms (and any parents that regularly join their child for lunch now), since that is likely my fault, and a result of the school being (hopefully) unable to make me sit outside for lunch next year after I drew some attention to their newsletter post on the subject. I guess they are thinking if they can't separate the riff raff, then just ban lunch for everyone!
I email myself my 2 hours of volunteer time for attending the meeting. I can't log in to the volunteer system so the school doesn't get to count my hours as a volunteer. I email them to myself in the hopes that someday I will get approved, and then all my hours will count too.
it's time for me to go tie-dye 18 t-shirts for the field trip to the zoo that I won't get to go on after Spring Break, and then we get to start planning for teacher appreciation week and the end of the year party (that I also won't get to attend). I suppose I could stop torturing myself, but part of turning my life around involves following through on things I sign up for so I consider myself stuck in this obligation until at least the end of this year. That and I am going to be as involved as they will possibly let me because I love my little girl, I thought I was going to get to be part of her school's community, and it breaks my heart that I can't just function as a normal mom there.
I can honestly say I think they have successfully taken enough wind out of my sails to make sure I don't volunteer for much next year. That's sad. How many other parents have they deflated in this way? It is so hard to stay pumped up to help in the face of so many hurdles to prevent involvement!
If the parents struggle to stay excited, motivated, and involved about their education, how will the kids stay excited, motivated, and involved?
On that note, I will end today's rant.